So, it’s been a while. About a year and a half since I last even looked at this website. When the time came around to pay to renew my ownership of the domain, I hemmed and hawed and eventually paid it. I’ve been thinking a lot about why it’s so hard for me to maintain a website (or even a blog) for any length of time, and I think I’ve finally landed on the reason.

I think I have nothing worthwhile to say.

When I was a teenager, I started a new blog approximately every other month. I liked creating a new page with a new layout, and I knew just enough HTML and CSS to play with the look of the static page to make it feel like my own. I liked coming up with clever blog names (probably my favourite was the longest-lived one, “Canadian in the U.S.Eh”), and I sure had a lot to talk about as a teenager. I’ve long since lost (and probably deleted) those blogs, but I’m sure it would be a boatload of cringe-y fun to read those posts again.

As I grew older, though, I became more self-conscious. I kept my opinions and my emotions to myself. “Nobody wants to hear about it,” was the mantra I repeated to myself again and again and again. I told myself, “nobody wants to hear about your relationship change,” and I quietly updated my Facebook relationship status. I told myself, “nobody wants to hear about your silly emotions,” and I swallowed my anger and sadness. That’s not to say I was silent in the world of social media, but every time I did post anything of any substance, it was with the nagging feeling that “nobody wants to hear about it.”

I recently finished the book “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg, and it opened my eyes to this mentality and the need to change it. It is common for women to opt to shut their mouths, stand back, and let others (most often men) do the talking. The age old feeling that women are there to smile and look pretty and take care of the household is still an undercurrent in our society, and it is only by being aware of it that we can change it. Sandberg describes it as choosing to “sit at the table:” that is, choosing to be present and contribute as an equal instead of sitting on the sidelines and listening.

So this is me, sitting at the table.  This is me leaning in and punching that “nobody wants to hear it” voice in its metaphorical face. Because you know what? Even if nobody wants to hear it, I’m going to say it anyways.